


Series Finale As Written By A Tumblr-Adjacent

by CaptainJojo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Honestly here's my fix it based solely on content gleaned from tumblr, I genuinely feel for you, I'm sorry SPN fandom, It might be not crack compared to what happened, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, The events of the finale as I understand them from tumblr still kind of happen, also LOL, but I am so sorry, i forgot about the juggalos sorry, like don't get me wrong I am absolutely also laughing, nyehehe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27647983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJojo/pseuds/CaptainJojo
Summary: I have not watched Supernatural in eight years.Here is how the finale should have gone according to information gleaned from Tumblr and watching the confession scene of Cas going to superhell without any context.I'd ask you to forgive me for this, but I can do no worse to you than your real paid SPN writers did. You were did so dirty. I'm sorry.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	Series Finale As Written By A Tumblr-Adjacent

**Author's Note:**

> Here's some... I don't know. Nonsense treated somewhat seriously but only like barely seriously. 
> 
> It is unbeta'd, written all at once, posted immediately with one cursory read-through for grammar, and made for the primary audience of me and Caro and that's it. Maybe Jessie too. I dedicate this to them, and to every formerly-SPN blog who has stayed mutuals with me on Tumblr since 2012. I still love you, I'm sorry you got did so dirty. Dean deserved better.
> 
> ENJOY.

The end of the world started on a Tuesday, because that seemed thematically appropriate. In the five hours since Castiel-  _ his _ Castiel- had gone to Superhell, Dean Winchester had sat on the floor of what looked like a warehouse and contemplated his existence. 

Around an hour before dawn, Sam had shown up.

“Well today sucked,” Sam sunk down against the wall next to him, unaware that Cas was in superhell and Dean was having an existential crisis. “Hey,” Sam nudged Dean with his shoulder, “Dean. Dean listen…” When his brother didn’t respond Sam let his head hit the concrete wall with a thunk, “Dean, we don’t have time for the existential crisis right now. I want to talk about reality.”

Dean was always having an existential crisis, so even when Sam didn’t know what was going on, he could count on Dean to have an emotional crisis about it.

“Cas is gone,” Dean said, with the same emotional maturity of so many years ago, sitting in a different concrete bunker and thinking about Cas being gone for the first or second time. “For real this time.”

“Right,” Sam agreed with the longsuffering tone of someone who recognized the conversation from the multitudes of conversations just like it that they’d had. “Well, I’m sure he’ll show up again-”

“He loves me, Sammy. He said so.” Dean stared at his clasped hands, processing.

“What?” Sam’s jaw dropped, “you’re kidding, he actually said it?” Sam nodded thoughtfully, lips turning down as his eyebrows went up. “Well shit. Nice one, Cas.”

Dean swallowed, “he’s dead.”

“So what else is new,” Sam snorted, “we’ll get him back, then you can tell him you want to hunt monsters together forever, and we can talk about Eileen.”

“What about her?” Dean let himself be distracted by Sam’s life, per usual.

“I’m going to marry her. Just a thing. You won’t even see it.” Sam nudged him again. “But that’s after we get Cas back.”

“He’s in superhell,” Dean covered his face with his hands. “He’s in superhell with Death.”

“Death can’t kill him if they’re in superhell.” Sam leapt up and held his hand out. “Come on, we’ve broken into hell before. I’ll be mad at you for being such a drama whore once we get Cas back.”

“Deal.” Dean had no other ideas.

There was a lot of research to do, and Dean couldn’t think about it, so he went to a local fair to distract himself.

There was a flying ride that said ‘fly like an angel’ some angel food cake, some fake wings to win at the prize booth and a craft table where you could make a couples’ frame.

Dean entered the pie eating contest to not think about anything but pie.

“Some of y’all are here to win the money! Others the glory of pie-eating supremacy!” The MC clapped her hands and winked lasciviously at Dean, who forced a wan smile. “Some of y’all just want to impress somebody important, hm?” She licked her lips at Dean.

Her lips weren’t as plush as Cas’s.

Dean shoved his face directly into his pie, and pie into his piehole.

Dean did not win the pie-eating contest, but his pie-eating neighbor also didn’t mention when he’d started crying halfway through eating his second pie and his third-place prize was a puppy, so he still called it a pie-eating victory.

Sam called right as Dean was about to buy too much alcohol and then possibly drive drunk. He had learned nothing in his decades of being alive.

“So I need you to help me with something,” Sam began, “how soon can you get back here?”

“Right now.” Dean handed both his beers to an excited teenager, said “Happy 21st birthday” regardless of the kid's age and got into the Impala. “On my way, Sam.”

He drove too fast and didn’t think about superhell.

“Superhell is being here while Cas is in superhell,” Dean muttered to his new dog as he parked the car. “So superhell is a stupid concept and I hate it. Who even came up with a superhell?”

The dog wagged its tail, because it was a good dog.

“I already love you. Why’s it so easy to tell  _ you _ that?” Dean ruffled the dog’s ears. “Superhell is not being able to say it when it counts.”

He stomped into their base and almost ran directly into Sam.

“I found a spell to let us call Chuck!” Sam was excited like a giant baby moose. “If we call the operator on a cell phone, we get a straight line to God!” Sam put a spell scroll in Dean’s face.

“I got a dog?” Dean offered as his new puppy immediately leapt on Sam affectionately.

“The hell?” Sam began petting the dog while Dean read the spell.

“The hell?” Dean echoed, reading the passage, which indeed implied heavily that they could trigger pressing and holding the zero button on any cell phone to call Chuck directly if the spell was completed with powerful enough components.

The ritual involved burning something precious to them.

There were only a few things they loved.

“I can’t do it,” Dean was saying, staring at the only viable option.

“Dean, this is for Cas!” Sam wasn’t very convinced. “Maybe we can try something else? Burning something else?”

“No, Sam. This is the only option” Dean clutched the can of gasoline to his chest.

His dog barked once, worried.

“You can’t do this,” Sam held Dean’s shoulders. “We can think of something else!”

The dog whined, looking nervously up at them.

“No, Sammy.” Dean clenched his teeth. “We gotta do this. For Cas. He woulda done it for us.”

He poured the gasoline and lit the match, his dog cowered from their myriad emotions.

“I’m sorry.” Dean ignited the gasoline.

They watched the Impala burn together, the dog hiding behind their legs.

“Say the incantation, Sam.”

Between the sobs, Sam Winchester recited the spell giving them a direct line to God. He wiped his eyes as their phones both lit up red, gold and blue.

“Do it,” he handed the phone to Dean.

Dean hit the button.

“No I’m not bringing Castiel back from superhell,” Chuck said when he answered. “So don’t try to convince me.”

“Okay fuck you,” Dean began diplomatically with the experience and reverence of someone who had averted the apocalypse multiple times. 

Chuck hung up on him.

Dean called back.

Chuck sent him to voicemail.

“I got God’s voicemail,” he told Sam, who made an exasperated sound and used his own phone to call Chuck.

“I said I wouldn’t bring Castiel back from Superhell,” Chuck told Sam directly.

“I’m not asking for that.” Sam looked at Dean, then smiled sadly. “I want to trade myself for Castiel. Send  _ me _ to Superhell.”

Dean lunged for Sam, but Sam was like a foot taller than him and held him away with his free hand with ease. He’d had decades to perfect the game of keepaway.

“I can’t,” Chuck clucked his tongue, “I can only send people who have admitted to a great and terrible love to Superhell.”

“I love Dean, which sucks,” Sam reminded.

“Yeah but like, not like  _ that- _ ”

“Just send me to Superhell. I was supposed to go to hell years ago anyway, and if Dean and Cas are here together… well then it’ll be worth it. I don’t want to keep hunting, and like you said, I don’t-” he choked and looked at Dean, who was scowling at him and still struggling to steal the phone. “-I don’t have a great love.”

“What about Eileen?” Chuck asked, because he knew everything and was God.

“Well we’d probably break up anyway. Or get old and pass on hunting to our kids and what kind of future is that?” Sam made eye contact with Dean, who had frozen. “What would the point of that be?”

“What are you saying?” Dean’s voice was soft, angry and scared and sad.

“I’m saying I’m  _ tired _ , Dean.” Sam held the phone close to his head. “Chuck I want you to trade me for Cas, and I’ll go to Superhell.”

“I mean deal,” Chuck agreed, “the way I understand it, Castiel in superhell is what would have defeated me anyway. Done.”

“Sam-” Dean pulled back to speak the words they’d needed their whole lives.

“Don’t tell me you love me, Dean.” Sam smiled, tears gathering in his eyes, “or he’ll send you to Superhell.”

“Sammy-” Dean’s anguished word was crushed as Sam hugged him.

“I love you Dean, be happy.” Sam smiled tightly, hugging his brother until Dean’s arms wrapped around him in return. Dean swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to speak. The arms around him changed, tightened, became different.

“I love you,” Dean whispered into a warm collarbone.

“That’s a relief,” Castiel’s voice said, and Dean yanked himself back in shock.

Castiel, as he had always been with his dirty trenchcoat and beautiful eyes and shapely mouth looked back at Dean gently and conjured an exhausted smile.

“I meant that ‘I love you’ for Sam, actually.” Dean chocked on a laugh as Castiel’s soft expression fell. Cas tried to pull away but Dean’s hands on his coat were firm. “But I’ve got one for you too, Cas. Then we gotta go figure out how to get Sam out of Superhell.”

“Wait what?” Castiel began, but then Dean was kissing him, pulling him close by the lapels of his dirty trenchcoat.

Halfway around the world, Chuck crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair, looking out over the highlands of Scotland. 

“I hate humans but damn, those Winchesters are something huh?” He smirked at Death, who shrugged noncommittally and poured him some tea.

“Are you interested in dying after all, then?” She picked up her own tea and sipped it.

“Nah, dying seems so mundane. Happens practically every day. No, I think I’m going to Superhell. There’s nothing in there and I want Dean Winchester and Castiel to really have an interesting time when they try to open it up and get Sam back.”

“You’re a dick,” Sam said, sitting in his own chair, “what are you even up to?”

“I was thinking about what you said, Sammy.” Chuck sipped his tea noisily just to watch Sam flinch, “about what’s the point of it all. Like what are you even going to do with yourself if you guys did beat me?”

Sam didn’t answer.

“Exactly,” Chuck agreed. “You don’t have a future here. You asked to go to Superhell.”

“Where I also have no future.”

“Wrong!” Chuck leaned forward. “Superhell is empty. A void. There’s no future waiting for you there. You’d have to  _ make _ it.”

Sam stared blankly at him.

“Wow I thought you were the smart brother?” Chuck scoffed a derisive laugh, which Death smiled indulgently at. “Sam Winchester,” he began, leaning forward again. “I have a giant empty limitless superhell I’ve never even bothered terraforming.”

“Yeah?” Sam frowned.

“Sam Winchester, how do you feel about learning to be God?”

**Author's Note:**

> You're welcome. 
> 
> To the CW HR department: I am currently available for work.


End file.
